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Picture a group of people around a table, the stakes feel high, everything needs to go just right. Then one person brings up a touchy topic, another feels it cannot go unchallenged, and just like that, voices are raised and the peace is broken.

Sound like negotiations over a union contract, a divorce settlement or a workplace dispute?

Yes, but the situation is also perhaps most common at this most wonderful time of year – at the holiday gathering. 

“Typically, celebrating these family festivities involves corralling the clan into an overheated living room, applying liberal amounts of alcohol, and layering on unrealistic expectations of harmony and ancestral bliss,” says Kent Highnam, Dean, School of Health, Community & Social Justice at the Justice Institute of British Columbia (JIBC) and a longtime faculty member in its Centre for Conflict Resolution.

“What could possibly go wrong?”

And just as in those other examples, conflict resolution skills can be key to defusing potential arguments over the typical don’t-go-there subjects such as politics, religion and child-rearing, says Highnam.

Three ingredients for conflict

According to Psychology Today, there are three prime reasons why family conflict tends to spike over the holidays:

• Exhaustion
• Regression – just from being in company with parents and siblings
• Overindulgence  – whether it’s food, alcohol or drugs, the stage is set for lapses in judgement.

Knowing the “ingredients” might not be enough to prevent conflict on its own, but it can help you plan for it.

Create a conversation menu

“I’m often asked, ‘How do I stop my (insert troublesome relative) from bringing up (insert volatile topic) before the mashed potatoes even make it around the table?’” Highnam said.

“Here’s my advice: visualize what you actually want from a family gathering. Chances are it includes relaxation, appreciation, connection, and digestion – not interrogation, agitation, and indigestion. ‘Shutting people down’ doesn’t exactly create the spirit of the season.”

From there, he said, just like the food menu for the gathering, come up with a “conversation menu” to go with it.

“Encourage everyone to submit their conversation topics in advance – just like a potluck. And remind them of your holiday gathering ‘vision’ before the first glass of wine is poured.”

Here’s how a conversation menu could be structured:

• Appetizer: Start with something light and easy. (eg. “How was your week?” or “What’s one thing that made you smile recently?”)
• Main Course: Then move onto something more substantial and specific. (eg. “What do you appreciate about the people gathered around this table?”)
• Dessert: Finish with something sweet and cheerful. (eg. “What’s one positive goal you’d like to achieve between now and year’s end? What difference will it make for you or others?”)

When someone orders off menu: have a redirect ready

“If a controversial conversation creeps in despite your best efforts, try to embrace the positive intent behind it – maybe the person is craving connection, seeking validation, or simply trying (badly) to break the tension,” Highnam said. “Acknowledge that intent, then redirect the discussion toward a topic that achieves the same goals without igniting a family civil war.

“When in doubt, consult your conversation menu – and choose your next course wisely.”

For more information on courses and programs offered by JIBC’s Centre for Conflict Resolution, visit Conflict Resolution, email conres@jibc.ca or call 604.528.5608.

To get a taste of conflict resolution training, check out these courses which have no pre-requisites:

• CRES-1100 Foundations of Collaborative Conflict Resolution
• CRES-1131 Conflict Coaching Fundamentals
• CRES-1311 Communicating in Conflict: Strategies and Skills
• CRES-1717 De-escalating Hostility